Daily Lessons from Life 24 June 2009

"Wed, Jun 24, 2009 The Straits Times - Young mums' baby blues

ONE mother was sound asleep when her baby boy crawled into the bathroom and drowned in a pail of water. Another mother, who had depression, hid her stillborn baby in an electrical riser outside her flat. These two cases, which went before the courts this month, reflect the struggles of young mums here who are thrust into motherhood before they are ready.

From 2004 to last year, an average of 1,200 babies - almost 3 per cent of all babies born - were born each year here to mothers aged 20 and below. About that number of abortions are done on teens each year: The number hovered around 1,400 in 2006 and 2007, but dipped last year to about 1,300.

Counsellors who work with young mums say that they are often not psychologically and financially ready for parenthood. Mr Edward Ong, who heads the Singapore Planned Parenthood Association, said that firstly, the teenager and her parents have to deal with the shock and the shame of a pregnancy out of wedlock. After the emotions settle, they have to decide between completing the pregnancy and aborting it. The girl's studies may have to be disrupted. If she is forced to start work after delivering the baby, she may become 'economically disadvantaged', he said.

And then, there is the teen's loss of freedom. Clinical psychologist Carol Balhetchet said that being teenagers, these mums still want to explore and experiment, but this stage of growing up is jettisoned when a baby enters the picture. Instead, these young mums find themselves having to adjust to the full-time task of being accountable for a whole new human being, said Pastor Andrew Choo, who ran a shelter for pregnant teens at the Andrew & Grace Home from 2003 until last year."

A heavy and sad story to learn a few lessons from:

1. I am repeating my consistent message on this one. When you are old enough to be responsible for your body, you can do what you want with it. Having sex and enjoying the pleasure is one of life's journey 'must do' or 'will do'. At the same time, it carries with it a consequence for the female party to this voyage! Boy will by boy and most will abandon the girl when she is pregnant! So, every girl need to know they carry the biggest burden - physically and psychologically;

2. the pains and suffering of these unwed or single mothers MUST be publicised so that those 'would-be' young females get a full picture of how unpleasant it can be to be left holding the baby and that it is DEFINITELY not as romantic and humanly uplifting as some movies tried to make the experience out to be! Don't worry about shame as it was a done deal. It is just sex. But do worry about the responsibility of having the baby instead of an abortion. The financial, physical, and emotional demand to be a single mother and to raise the kid, who will, hopefully, not fall into the same trap as the mother if it is a girl!! It may appeared heartless but preaching must be done and so must the stark reality of the harsh life of a single mother must be highlighted. In this way, the 'would-be' who become 'a single mother' has NO BLOODY EXCUSE to say: 'But I did not know...';

3. for those who decided to keep the child and raise it, kudos to you to take up the responsibility. However you DO NOT have to if you are not ready or not able to do so. It is ok to give it up for adoption. It is a life time choice and not, like those passionate moments when you were having sex with your boyfriend, a short term commitment! If you are not ready, it is better you save yourself the emotional roller coaster ride and get a new life right after the birth. No time for sentimentality though it will be hard for many. Strange to have a passionate indiscretion but hard to give up on something so logical. You can have another baby with someone you love and how love you back!! The kid who were given away may become like Chan Han Wei, a Singapore-based local celebrity with the adopted parents! (I know I sounded cynical but it is healthy cynicism).

Finally, for those who, due to pro-life, asked or counselled the girls to keep the baby, please make sure you help these girls to piece their lives back together. Of course, the girls have to grow up and take responsibilities. A high proportion of them may not make it, but there will always be some who needed help, were given help, and moved on successfully in life later on!

If you cannot wait to have the sexual pleasure, please be aware of the pains if you are pregnant and have to hold the baby alone!!