Daily Lessons from Life 04 July 2014 - Man asked Elderly Parents to Move Out

No newspapers headlines to comment on. Instead I like to comment on what I heard on 93.8 Radio on a case cited by the Minister of Families and Communities Development Chan Chun Sing of man asking his elderly parents to move out after getting his family a HBD flat! In fact, the man asked his elderly parents to get help from their Member of Parliament (MP) to get a rental flat!!

Most contributors who called him seemed to think that the man has done wrong and that it is filial piety at its worst. Others are not so sure.

For me, a couple of things need to be known before one can make a better conclusion.

1. what exactly are the circumstances that lead to the man, with his own family members, asking his elderly parents to move out after getting his own flat?

e.g. what were their relationship? good or bad or ugly?
e.g. was it his decision or his wife and him jointly made the decision?

Of course, the purists will say that: no matters how difficult the parents behaved, assuming they were, the parents were the ones who give life to the child. So, there is no question of 'examining the circumstances' to excuse what this son had done!

Well, if there is no love and affection, it will be very difficult to get along in the same household without serious damages been inflicted on the occupants - especially mentally.

So, the problem solving approach favoured by me is to find out the root causes and deal with them. That will achieve a long term solution.

2. have Singaporeans, some anyway, 'outsourced' the filial piety of 'looking after your elderly parents who gave you life' to the government?

Obviously the state will ultimately have to take care of the elderly whom has NO ONE willing to take care of him or her for whatever reasons. That is the WORST CASE scenario. And hopefully the % is very very low.

It is inconceivable that NORMAL children in a healthy relationship with their parents will 'chase them out of the home'. That has to be the belief and reality in Singapore. Having said that, what about those children who REALLY are incapable of taking care of the elderly parents? e.g. those who are sub-normal? Those that have 'twisted' minds? Those who adopted the MODERN definition of: 'since you give birth to me, it is your duties to feed and raise and educate me, etc' and there is really no obligation for me to be 'looking after you when you are old and frail'!

If that is the case, we have a problem. Though it sounds logically, it is simply NOT the culture we know and want in Singapore about 'elderly parents-adult children' relationship.

3. Still, as parents who are growing older, I adopt the belief that: 'it is up to the kids to decide if they want to take care of the parents instead of being a duty or obligation.'

It is the duties of parents to raise, feed, cloth and educate the kids up to at least 18 years old, or older to their first university degree study if they can make it. After that, the kids will have to start to fend for themselves and live their lives as independently as possible. Hopefully the education at home would have developed them into human beings who value family bonding with a harmonious, mutually respectful and healthy relationship that they will not even question about the need to looking after their elderly parents when they become dependent for a second.

However, I will want to live an independent life as long and as much as possible when I grow old. Hopefully I would have enough to take care of my wife and my retirement and into ripe old healthy old age and leave this world - contented and peacefully without any regret.

I DO NOT want to burden my kids IF they have challenges taking care of their own families.

So, it goes both ways really. Unconventional? Maybe.